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So… Your Friend or Family Member has
Adamitis?
Don’t Panic – We’re Here to Help
What is Adamitis?
Adamitis is an illness of the body and mind. It is similar to extreme forms of paranoia, but Adamitis is distinguished by the peculiar behaviour patterns of its sufferers. It is believed that Adamitis may be a result of extended periods of stress caused by incompetence, or an allergic reaction to plastic Pasteur pipettes.
How many people are affected?
As with the related illness, Mutant X Addiction (see our helpful leaflet on MXA), Adamitis is too recent a condition to have been fully documented and observed by the World Health Organisation (WHO). However, all available information points towards there only being one confirmed sufferer, and he may be entirely fictional.
Is it limited to particular areas?
Although there is only one confirmed sufferer, the question of his location is a puzzling one. So far, there have been sightings of him on five continents, leading to speculation that there are in fact many more sufferers than the WHO has been led to believe. If this is true, sufferers may also have some sort of genetic disease that causes them to look alike.
How do I know if my friend or family member is afflicted?
The people most seriously affected tend to be male, middle aged, with professional occupations. Almost 100% of cases are, strangely, among men with the name “Adam”.
If you think that someone you know could be affected, watch out for the following symptoms:
-The adoption of the name “Adam” as a sole identifier, much like “Sting” or “Cher”, but with less imagination.
-Resignation from his present employment, often claiming that his company is “evil”.
-Isolation from friends, usually accompanied by claims that these previous loved ones are now “the devil” and trying to “take over the world”.
-Isolation from society as a whole, particularly members of his own age group.
-Tendency to wear the same clothes (black) for an entire year.
-Belief that all other humans are intellectually inferior.
-Belief that he holds qualifications he does not have, particularly medical-related doctorates.
-Garbled speech; sentences that make no sense, but appear to be scientific.
-Head-bobbing.
In more serious cases, the following behaviour may be observed:
-If the illness continues for over a year, the sufferer will alter his name slightly, obtaining the surname “Kane” out of thin air, possibly due to Biblical pretensions.
-New wardrobe leads to embarrassing fashion decisions.
-Tendency to introduce himself via “voiceover” technique.
-Continued existence in a fantasy world; although the idea of his old company trying to kill him has been lessened, he now expands his paranoia to the entire world.
-Increase in h.b.p.m. (head bobs per minute).
In extreme cases, the following symptoms can be found:
-Total disappearance.
-Assumption of godlike status.
-Fever, vomiting, and convulsions.
-Head falls off.
Please note that if your friend or family member has some, but not all of these symptoms, it may be that he or she is suffering from Generic Mentor Syndrome (GMS), and should seek immediate medical attention.
Case Study
“Mason”, a friend of a sufferer, agreed to share his story with us.
“Well, I had known “Adam” for years. He was a junior worker at the firm, and I observed him to be reasonably competent at his job. Suddenly, his personality totally changed. He claimed that the company was trying to create monsters out of the poor little children we were, in reality, saving from certain death. I suggested that he take a few days off work and stop watching horror movies. But his condition was more serious than I thought. He broke into our labs and stole our files. We didn’t report it to the police, as we realised that “Adam” wasn’t a criminal – he was just a very sick man. I see him occasionally, but he’s not the same person. Last I heard, he was trying to dig an underground lair for some sort of superhero team. Poor, poor man.”
The grave seriousness of “Adam”’s story should serve as a warning to us all.
Can I become affected?
At present, it seems that only one person is affected by Adamitis, and it is hoped that this was due to an isolated incident. However, the most recent medical studies have shown that four young people with prolonged access to the sufferer have also begun to display symptoms. Further study is necessary, but at present it is recommended that you stay away from anyone displaying EHB (Extreme Head-Bobbing).
Is there a cure?
At present, there is no approved cure for Adamitis. Tactics used by the friends of sufferers have ranged from ignoring them, to playing along with their claims of intellectual greatness. Everything has seemed to increase the sufferer’s mania. Currently undergoing clinical trials are forms of electric shock therapy, and head braces. We can only hope that one day Adamitis sufferers can be reintegrated into society.
Lonelywalker
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