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So… Your Friend or Family Member is
Addicted
To
Mutant X?
Don’t Panic – We’re Here to Help
What is Mutant X addiction?
Mutant X addiction (MXA) is an illness of the body and mind. It is caused by microscopic Mutant X microbes, which are passed from any television set showing the science-fiction programme Mutant X to the viewer. In some cases, the viewer appears to be immune to the microbes. In others, the effect can be devastating to the sufferer and their wallet.
How many people are affected?
No official figures have yet been released by the World Health Organisation (WHO). Initial estimates place sufferers of Mutant X addiction in the hundreds, and possibly thousands. Most of these cases are only partially affected, and can appear to be entirely normal for most of the time. However, about 100 cases have reached critical levels, and need to be monitored constantly.
Is it limited to particular areas?
Although Mutant X addiction originated in North America, it has quickly spread to the UK, mainland Europe, the Middle East, the Far East, and Australia. It is unknown how exactly Mutant X addiction is spread. Some sufferers become addicts after contact with existing sufferers, while others never meet another person with Mutant X addiction. This data has encouraged suggestions that MXA has become airborne.
How do I know if my friend or family member is addicted?
The people most seriously affected tend to be female, of above average intelligence, and with a lot of time on their hands. However, there have been isolated cases of males falling prey to this illness, as well as busy professionals. Age does not appear to be a factor in MXA, although very young children seem to be immune.
If you think that someone you know could be affected, watch out for the following symptoms:
-A tendency to watch the television series Mutant X, to the exclusion of other important events that might be happening at the same time.
-The impulse to buy Mutant X merchandise, particularly DVDs, as well as other apparently unrelated goods, such as an all-regions DVD player, or tickets to Shakespearean plays.
-The failure to rationalise his or her actions.
-The tendency to connect all or most other events or experiences in life to something that occurred on the series e.g. “That sweater is just like the one Jesse wore last week!” or “My professor looked at me like Eckhart sending his lieutenant to the stasis pods when I told him I’d lost my essay.”
In more serious cases, the following behaviour may be observed:
-The adoption of another, Mutant X related, identity, e.g. “Shalgal”, “Zael” or “Falconia”.
-Participation in online Mutant X addiction communities to the exclusion of real life.
-The belief that the television show Mutant X belongs to the addicts rather than to the writers, directors, producers, or the general public.
In extreme cases, the following symptoms can be found:
-Deterioration of spelling, grammar, and language itself.
-Conversational topics limited to “(character name) is SOOOOO HOTT”.
-Reversion to childhood levels of intelligence.
-Fever, vomiting, convulsions, and death.
Please note that if your friend or family member has some, but not all of these symptoms, it may be that he or she is suffering from a related illness such as Andromeda Addiction, or Adventure Inc. Addiction. In both of these cases, medical attention must be sought immediately.
Case Study
“Suzanne” was a promising young woman: intelligent, sociable, and with an exciting professional career. She had never heard of Mutant X, and she was happy. Barely a month later, “Suzanne” found herself alone at home with a collection of Mutant X DVDs. She struggled to tell others why she had bought them. “Suzanne” gradually lost touch with reality and retreated into a bizarre online community she called “PureMX”, where she discussed her addiction with other sufferers. However, none of these poor unfortunates were aware of the true seriousness of their conditions. After repeated attempts to convince “Suzanne” of the plot-holes and bad science inherent in the series, doctors were forced to declare her a vegetable. Then some medical doctors examined her and told everyone to grow up and stop being silly.
The grave seriousness of “Suzanne”’s tale should serve as a warning to us all.
Can I become addicted?
It is never possible to tell whether someone will become an addict. Some people can passively view several episodes in the presence of an addict, and not become addicted themselves. Others become addicts within only a few minutes of contact with the show. In order to prevent addiction, it is best to remove yourself from the room in which the episode is being played, and take a dose of good scientific reality.
Is there a cure?
At present, there is no approved cure for MXA. One of the tactics often tried by the addict’s loved ones is to point out the flaws and inconsistencies of the show. This has had limited success, and has actually increased the MXA sufferer’s level of mania in some cases. In order to preserve your relationship with the sufferer, it is usually thought best to completely ignore the problem until a cure can be applied. In serious cases, contact your local doctor (not a botanist).
Lonelywalker
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