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Sweet Dreams/Merlin 7
Just a short piece about Jesse and nightmares, thanks to various things that have happened to him during the course of the past two years. Some things we know, some I've created. R rating. <Strong language> May be archived anywhere. I don't own the characters but they sure are fun to play with.
"He's still not sleeping."
Adam nodded at Shalimar's statement. "I know."
Shalimar sighed. "I think it's time to intervene."
"You've tried talking to him, Shalimar," Adam said. "We all have. Jesse doesn't want to talk about it and we have to respect that."
"But it's taking it's toll, Adam," Shalimar countered. "He's wearing himself out on missions, trying too hard to make sure he doesn't make mistakes. Too much coffee and sugar just to try and keep alert."
Adam smiled sadly. "I plan on offering him something to help him sleep without dreams. I think it might help him to deal if he can finally rest, then his mind will be less chaotic and Jesse might be able to rationalize things better."
Shalimar wasn't convinced it would work, or if Jesse would even allow it, but she trusted Adam. "But what if he won't take anything?" she asked. Had to ask.
"Then it will be time to intervene," Adam said firmly. "He's not going to like it though. None of us will. But I'm not going to lose him." Adam thought of Jesse as his son. His child, more so even than the others, for they were all his children in their own way.
"Good luck," Shalimar offered, then she glided out of the room.
*****
"Jesse?"
He flinched at the sound of his name then turned. "Hey, Adam," he said to the man walking towards him.
Adam studied Jesse for a moment before responding. The boy looked tired. Exhausted. But he also looked tense and his eyes had a haunted look in them that touched Adam's heart. He wanted to help him. "Still not sleeping," he said, more statement of fact than a question.
"Not much," Jesse allowed, knowing it was senseless to lie. Adam was all seeing at times.
"You can't keep this up, Jesse," Adam said softly. "You know that. You're borderline now to becoming a liability to the team. And to yourself."
Jesse winced again. He knew it all too well. He could feel how sluggish his reflexes were when fighting and his thought process was totally glitching. Everytime he went out on a mission, Jesse feared that he would fail his teammates somehow and one of them would get hurt...or killed. "I want to sleep," he said, almost desperately.
Adam nodded. "Maybe I can help." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a syringe. "This will help you sleep without dreaming. Give you a good twelve hours, during which time I would like to monitor you."
"No drugs!" Jesse hissed forcefully, stepping back from Adam as he spoke.
"It won't hurt you," Adam countered, his tone soft and soothing. "You need to sleep. Once you've gotten some rest you'll be better able to control your subconscious thoughts. Control your dreams. Emma can help with that."
Jesse shook his head. "No! I don't want you pumping me full of any drugs and I sure as hell don't want Emma messing inside my head!" Not again, Jesse thought to himself.
Adam pocked the syringe and resisted the urge to heave a frustrated sigh. "You have to do something, Jess," he stated. "You don't have alot of choices. This is the easier choice. Trust me."
"Leave me alone, Adam," Jesse replied, wearily. "I'll handle it." With that he turned and walked away, feeling Adam's eyes burning into his back until he was out of sight.
*****
Brennan watched Jesse fighting simulated GSA agents. Winced when one got in a hard blow and Jesse hit the floor with a thud. It never should have happened either, Jesse was a skilled fighter but he was letting his guard slip. He was too exhausted to be alert. Moving to the control panel, Brennan punched a button and shut down the simulation.
"What the...!" Jesse began, whirling around when his opponents faded into thin air. He glared at Brennan. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Saving your tired ass," Brennan replied, refusing to let Jesse bait him into an argument. Teasing Jesse was fun, but not when Jesse wasn't running on all cylinders. "You're going to hurt yourself."
Jesse bit back a curse. Truth was he was already hurting, having received a few good kicks in the ribs. For a time the pain had actually kept him alert, kicking in an adrenaline rush. But the rush was fading and the pain was kicking in instead. In fact it hurt to breathe a bit so Jesse bent over and rested his hands on his knees, using the pretext of needing to catch his breath from his exertions. "I don't need a nursemaid, Brennan," Jesse stated. "I can take care of myself."
Brennan climbed the stairs. "Under normal circumstances I would agree with you, Jess. But you're falling apart, Bro. You gotta stop this. Let Adam help you."
"Did he send you?" Jesse hissed, pulling himself upright even though it sent stabbing pain through his rib cage. Best guess was he had a cracked rib or two. It wasn't going to be easy hiding it from Shalimar's prying eyes. Or Adam's for that matter, and Jesse knew he would have to block Emma from getting inside his head.
"I'm here because I'm worried about you," Brennan replied. "We all are, Jesse. I was hoping maybe I could help. We could talk..."
Jesse shook his head. "There's nothing to talk about," he said sharply, turning towards the stairs. Made it about two steps before his knees buckled. Didn't hit the floor though and he realized it was only because Brennan had caught him. "I'm fine," Jesse protested, his voice weak to his own ears. But that might be because of the roaring in his head. A wave of dizziness hit Jesse like a two by four then darkness swirled over him and dragged him down.
Brennan lifted Jesse into his arms as he felt the slim body collapse into dead weight. It scared Brennan a bit how light Jesse was. But he pushed his fears aside as he made for the stairs and headed for MedLab. "Adam," Brennan shouted, knowing that the comlink would be activated.
"Yes, Brennan," Adam replied, his voice dancing in the air.
"Jesse collapsed, I'm on my way to Medlab," Brennan announced.
Adam cursed then replied, "Meet you there," before breaking off the link.
Brennan looked down at Jesse's pale face. "Hang in there, buddy," he whispered, then he quickened his own pace.
*****
"How is he?" Shalimar asked the questioned as she paced a wide circle around the bio bed where Jesse lay. He was so pale and still that it frightened her.
"He's been better," Adam answered, honestly. It hadn't surprised him in the least when Shalimar had beaten Brennan to MedLab. The feral had sensed that Jesse was in trouble and had come on the run.
Brennan wasn't happy with Adam's answer. "Could you be more specific?" he snapped, then shook his head. "Sorry," he apologized. He wasn't mad at Adam.
Adam understood all to well and smiled at Brennan, nodding his acceptance. They were all tense and upset. All worried about Jesse. As a team they cared about each other. They were friends and had become *Family*. And Jesse was, in many ways, the kid brother to them all. In other ways he was the anchor that held them firm and fast in times of trouble and uncertainty. And Jesse did it subconsciously, simply by being there and being tenacious in his belief in them, and in what they were doing. "Besides his exhaustion, Jesse is malnourished and he has two cracked ribs," Adam explained.
"So what do we do to fix him?" Brennan asked.
"I can keep him sedated for the next twelve hours, although it won't be all that restful a sleep," Adam replied, moving over to the video screen to check the read out. Satisfied by what he saw, he continued. "I'll hook him up to an IV for now, that will help a bit, and I can regenerate the fractures so he'll be healed in a few days. But it's going to be a temporary fix all the way around."
Shalimar wasn't happy. She moved to the bio bed and reached for Jesse's hand. He looked so damn young and pale and fragile, it scared the hell out of her. Her Jesse was a fighter. Even when the world knocked him down, which seemed to be often, he got back up and kicked ass. At least, he used too. This time he was getting knocked down and it seemed like he didn't have the strength, or the will, to get back up. "We have to do more," Shalimar whispered.
Adam nodded. "We have to try," he allowed. "But Jesse has to be willing to do his part." He moved to the other side of the bed and locked eyes with Shalimar. "I'm going to keep Jesse here under observation for the next 24 hours, then I'll move him back to his room, but I'm going to keep him monitored. We all need to keep an eye on him."
"You make it sound like a suicide watch," Brennan stated, not liking the sound of it.
"In a way it is," Adam replied. "I don't think Jesse is consciously suicidal, but whatever it is that's haunting him...it's killing him slowly."
Shalimar blinked back a tear, her eyes focused on Jesse. She reached out with her free hand to smooth a lock of hair off his forehead. "Whatever it takes to make you better, babe," she whispered. "Tough love and all."
*****
"Where do you think you're going?"
Jesse winced in pain and frustration as he turned at the sound of the voice. He met Adam's glare with a steady gaze. "Out of here," he said firmly.
Adam shook his head, striding forward to grip Jesse's arm when the young man lurched on his feet. "You're not leaving," he shot back. "I'll restrain you if neccessary."
"You wouldn't?" Jesse hissed, but even as he said it he knew Adam would do just that. So he allowed himself to be pressed back down onto his bed. The past two days had passed in a blur for Jesse. He knew he had been unconscious for more than half a day, and after that he had drifted in and out of a more natural slumber. Now he was tired of sleeping. Now the dreams were coming back.
"One more day of bed rest, Jesse," Adam stated, as he pulled the covers back up over the young man. "Eat better and maybe I'll let you up sooner." Adam was worried. Jesse had always had a healthy appetite, despite his slender frame. But now he ate like a bird and it was beginning to show on him, revealed in gaunt features and the way his clothing hung more loosely on him.
Jesse closed his eyes and heaved a sigh. "You can't fix me, Adam," he said wearily.
Adam nodded. "I know that. But I can keep you alive, for now. And that I will do." Moving to sit on the side of the bed, Adam waited for Jesse to look at him before continuing. "You can't push all of us away, Jess. We won't let you do that. Talk to me, or to Shalimar. Pick someone, anyone. You're killing yourself from the inside out, Jess."
"I'm scared," Jesse whispered, then he bit his lip, hating the fact that he let it slip out. He wasn't ready for this.
"What are you scared of?" Adam asked gently. He knew some of Jesse's fears, the more obvious ones, like being confined in a pod. But Adam knew that Jesse's deepest fears were more emotional than psychological. "I won't judge you," Adam persisted.
Jesse almost laughed. "Sure you will," he shot back. "You always judge me, most of the time negatively. I'm used to it."
Adam started to protest but fell silent, thoughtful. Then he nodded. "I'm sorry," he said. "I am hard on you, Jess. More so than the others."
"Why?" Jesse asked, even though a part of him wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.
"Because you have so damn much potential, but you won't use it," Adam replied, without hesitation. "You won't take risks."
Jesse couldn't deny the truth, but he could divert it somewhat. "When Ashelocke killed you and I went back in time to stop him...I was terrified that I would fail somehow."
Adam was surprised but nodded. "Thing is...you didn't. You saved me. You saved all of us, Jess. More than us. You saved the world that day."
"I keep dreaming that I failed," Jesse whispered, looking away from Adam to stare at the far wall. "That I was a split second too late and everything changed...forever. And in my dreams...I keep trying to be faster. I keep going back, over and over again, to try and save you. But I fail...every single time."
"You have to let go of it, Jess," Adam shot back, a bit harshly. Saw Jesse flinch but didn't back down. Couldn't. He had to snap Jesse out of this somehow. Someway. "You of all people know that you can't hold on to the past. It will destroy you if you let it. Make yourself move on, Jess. I know you're strong enough."
Jesse shook his head. "It's not that simple. When I'm awake I can do it, I can fight it. But I can't do that in my dreams."
Adam understood what Jesse was saying. He reached out to pat Jesse's arm but stopped when he saw Jesse pull back. Dropping his arm, Adam rose to his feet. "We'll find a way to get you through this, Jesse. Maybe Emma can help."
"I don't want her in my head again!" Jesse snapped, anger flaring in his eyes and in his tone. Saw that Adam was staring at him in surprise and knew he had given away too much. Rolling onto his good side, Jesse curled up into a ball. "I'm tired," he whispered, and that was a simple enough truth. He felt tired deep into his soul.
"Do you want something to help you sleep?" Adam offered.
Jesse waved a hand in dismissal. "I just want to be left alone," he stated. And released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding, when the door closed softly behind Adam.
*****
"I brought you some ice cream," Shalimar said as she held out a bowl to Jesse. She watched as he opened his mouth to protest and gave him a look. "Double mint oreo cookie," Shalimar continued. "Your favorite." She smiled when Jesse nodded and took the bowl. Sitting down beside him, Shalimar stared at Jesse until he took a spoonful.
After swallowing the ice cream, Jesse managed a slight smile. "Thanks, Shal. It's great." They both knew he didn't want it, just as they both knew he would force himself to eat it. It was a game they had been playing for the past four days. Jesse knew that everyone was keeping an eye on him and he hated it, but he also knew there was no where for him to hide and he wasn't about to run away. So he was ready to talk to Shalimar, about some things. Setting down the bowl, Jesse began. "What did it feel like to you when I phased the double Helix?"
Shalimar was startled by the question, but answered without hesitation. "I felt tingly and light and...I don't know. I can't really describe it."
"Yeah...I know what you mean," Jesse replied, his smile a touch more genuine this time. "It's hurts when I phase."
"All the time?" Shalimar countered. She knew it was hard for Jesse sometimes, like when he had been hurt or had to push beyond his limitations. But Shalimar hated the thought of it hurting him all the time.
Jesse shrugged. "Under normal circumstances it's like a dull ache. Aches more when I phase more."
Shalimar nodded. "I knew you were hurting when you phased us in the double Helix. It was incredible, Jesse. I don't think I ever thanked you for saving my life. All our lives."
"I was scared, Shal," Jesse stated, rising from the couch and moving over to the fountain. "I've never tried anything like that before. One mistake and all of you would have died."
"But you didn't make a mistake, Jesse," Shalimar replied, rising to her feet to go to him. She rubbed his back, a familiar gesture between them. Touching Jesse was comfortable and safe and warm. She was a bit surprised to feel how thin he had become. Seeing it was one thing, feeling it was another. "You did good, kiddo," Shalimar continued.
Jesse pulled away from her touch and turned to face her. "I left Emma stuck in a wall once," he whispered. "I got distracted for just one second. That's all it would take..."
Shalimar pressed a fingertip to Jesse's lips. "Don't think like that. You would never let anything happen to any us. You're careful, Jesse."
"It's hard to control, sometimes," he continued, pulling her hand away. "Both phasing and massing. And with the growth spurts we keep going through, I'm afraid I won't be able to control it soon."
"You'll always find a way, Jess," Shalimar said firmly. "You're strong."
Jesse sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. It was too long but he didn't care. It didn't matter. "Adam isn't so sure I'll be able to control it," he said bluntly. And it hurt to admit that.
Shalimar cupped Jesse's face in both hands, forcing him to look at her. "You'll do what you have to do, Jess," she told him gently, but firmly. "You always do what you have to do. You always find a way. No matter how scared you get, you push past that fear and get the job done."
"Did I ever tell you that I'm a perfectionist?" Jesse asked, not changing the subject so much as redirecting it. And as he asked he gripped Shalimar's wrists and tugged her hands from his face.
"I kinda figured that out," Shalimar replied with a smile. "But you do realize that nobody is perfect...right, Jess?"
He nodded and released her, moving to sit back down again, his hands clasped together when he realized he was trembling. "That's what scares me most, Shal. Knowing that at some point I"m really going to fuck up."
Shalimar didn't know what to say so she simply sat beside Jesse and drew him into her arms. Tried not to notice how he resisted at first, then she blinked back tears to feel him shaking in her embrace.
*****
Brennan watched Jesse at the computer consule. Watched how the young man was concentrating on the screen as if willing the information he was looking for to appear. He realized that Jesse was always that intense, that focused, no matter what he did. Had to be a strain, and that strain was beginning to show. Heaving a silent sigh, Brennan moved forward till he was standing next to the console. "Feel like catching a movie?" he asked.
Jesse shook his head. "Not tonight. Thanks."
"Okay...how about we go out for Chinese?" Brennan wasn't about to let Jesse spend the night on the computer. Alone. Not eating. Ignoring the outside world at large.
"I'll eat when I'm hungry, Brennan," Jesse said with forced patience. He knew what his friend was trying to do.
Brennan smirked. "You're never hungry, bro," he shot back. "Look at you. I think Shalimar weighs more than you do now."
Jesse almost laughed at that. "Better not let her hear you say that," he cautioned.
"Why not?" Brennan shot back. "She'd be the first to agree with me."
"Fine...let's go out for Chinese," Jesse said, lifting up the arm rests and sliding out of the seat. He didn't have the strength to get into an argument with Brennan tonight. He just wanted peace and quiet, problem being his inner self was in turmoil, thoughts and voices and images screaming at him constantly. He still couldn't sleep. Jesse knew that everyone was worried about him and he wanted to allay their fears. But it wasn't that easy. Adam put him through scans on a daily basis now, keeping track of his food intake and weight. Forcing him to take injections at least once a week so he would sleep at least eight hours in one night, instead of stretching it out to about eight hours in one week. It was taking it's toll and Jesse was becoming as desperate as everyone else was to find a way to fix things. Fix himself. He just didn't know how.
Brennan was surprised by Jesse's acqueisance, but pleased. "I'm buying," he said, clapping his young friend on the shoulder.
Jesse grinned. "Of course you are," he replied, having no doubt but that he would be picking up the tab. Brennan was always short on cash.
"We can go to that new place I've been telling you about. Mai Ling's," Brennan said.
"Great," Jesse replied, with a touch of enthusiasm. For a moment things almost felt like normal. Almost. Except for the fact that Brennan was trying just a little too hard, being just a little too careful with him, as if he were afraid Jesse might break. Scary thing was, Jesse was being to think he just might. "Maybe we can catch a movie afterwards."
*****
The food was good and Jesse ate more than he had expected he would. The movie had been good as well, the parts he had stayed awake for had been enjoyable. "Thanks for tonight," Jesse said between yawns, as he and Brennan walked to the car.
"No prob," Brennan replied, smiling as he watched Jesse try and stifle another jaw breaker. He unlocked the car and they both slid inside. "Sleep on the way home," Brennan suggested.
"Maybe..." Jesse drawled, curling up in the passenger seat as much as the seat belt would allow. Had more to say but it faded away as he drifted into warm darkness.
Brennan felt a sense of relief as he started the car. "Sweet dreams, Jess," he whispered, then he headed for home. Once there he debated on whether or not to wake Jesse up. Decided against it and it was no hardship carrying Jesse inside. Halfway to Jesse's room, Brennan ran into Shalimar and Adam. "Shh..." he told them.
Shalimar smiled as she reached out to smooth a lock of golden hair off Jesse's forehead. "He looks peaceful," she said with a sense of satisfaction.
"For once," Adam allowed, gesturing for Brennan to keep walking. "Put him to bed. Hopefully he'll sleep the night through." Adam was pleased, but he was still worried. Cradled in Brennan's arms, Jesse looked so small and young and fragile. Something had to give and soon. Jesse was going to break, of that Adam had no doubt. Whether or not Jesse could piece himself back together was Adam's main concern. He knew that Jesse was strong enough, but he also knew that the young mutant didn't believe that about himself, and Adam couldn't make him believe. No one could do that, except Jesse.
"Later," Brennan said, as he carried Jesse away.
*****
Emma felt Jesse's distress before she heard him scream her name. And in that moment she realized a sickening truth. She was out of bed and running down the hallway to Jesse's room. Saw the other's coming out of their rooms and waved them back. "I'll take care of him," Emma promised.
Shalimar was about to protest but backed off when Adam shook his head at her. "Call me if you need me," she said to Emma.
"I will," Emma promised, as she entered Jesse's room. He was tossing and turning on the bed, his slim body twisted in the sheet and blanket. "Jesse..." Emma whispered softly as she approached. She didn't want to spook him.
"Emma!" Jesse croaked out her name on a ragged breath, eyes fluttering open. He snapped upright, pushing at the tangle of sheets wrapped around him, wanting to escape her, only to realize that there was no escape. He had to face this, face her. "Why Emma?" Jesse whispered.
Emma blinked back hot tears. She could read his pain and fear and disappointment. "I'm sorry," she said softly, moving to stand beside the bed. Emma knew that Jesse remembered it all now. Everything she had done. The pulse wave of fear that she had emitted, and the way she had erased it all from his mind.
Jesse rubbed his eyes with both hands and took a deep breath to ease his trembling. But it wasn't so much his body that was shaking but his soul. "I trusted you, Emma." It was a statement and an accusation.
"And I should have trusted you," Emma replied, without hesitation. "I'm so sorry, Jesse. I was so afraid."
"Afraid of what?" he prompted, needing to understand.
Emma sat on the edge of the bed, wincing when Jesse shuffled back away from her. She couldn't blame him. "I was afraid you would hate me."
Jesse was stunned by Emma's confession. "Why would I hate you?"
"Because of what I did," Emma replied. "Those horrible images and emotions that I sent out to the soldiers. That's the stuff that's in my head, Jesse. It eats away at me and I have the power to use it against people."
"I could never hate you, Emma," Jesse whispered.
Emma wasn't too sure about that. "You have every right to hate me now, Jess, after what I did. Do you remember it all?"
Jesse sighed then shrugged. "I think so. I don't think I ever really lost it, Emma. It was there on the edge of my consciousness all along. Just one more uncertainty to add to the list. Sometimes I felt like I was going crazy."
"I'm sorry," Emma repeated, she didn't know what else to say. "I should have trusted you, Jesse. Should have known that you were strong enough for both of us."
"I'm not strong," Jesse countered, with a wobbly smile. "What I am is extremely fucked up most of the time. But...at least I'm not alone anymore." As he spoke, Jesse reached out and wrapped Emma in his arms.
She accepted the hug and returned it for all she was worth. "So...you forgive me?" she asked, pulling back just enough to see Jesse's face. He looked exhausted still, but his eyes were brighter and seemed more serene than he had been in months.
Jesse smiled. "I will," he promised. "Just give me some time..okay?"
"Okay," Emma replied, rising from the bed then bending to straighten the covers over Jesse as he stretched out again. "Can I get you anything?"
"Shalimar," Jesse requested. "Ask her if she'll stay with me tonight." He didn't want to be alone and when Jesse had first come to Sanctuary, Shalimar would often sleep with him so he wouldn't feel so alone.
Emma nodded. "I'll get her," she replied, moving to the door. Only to find Shalimar pacing in the hallway. "Jesse wants you," Emma said.
Shalimar nodded then slipped into Jesse's room. "You doing okay?' she asked, moving to the bed. Was pleased to note that he seemed better in some way that she couldn't quite define. And he was smiling between yawns.
"I will be," Jesse replied. "Stay with me?" he asked.
"Scooch over," Shalimar ordered, then she slid under the blanket and wrapped her arms around Jesse. They settled against each other comfortably and Shalimar could feel Jesse's body relax against her. A heartbeat later she knew he was asleep. Smiling, Shalimar kissed his cheek and whispered, "Sweet dreams, Jesse. Love you."
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The Sun Never Sets on PureMX.net
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